Emotional heart-smart is another area where I often ignore signs and symbols in favour of what seems most appetizing, tasty, sweet, delicious and energizing. I want all those qualities in a healthy dish – wish.
Isn’t there some element of our makeup which allows spelling typos in thoughts; must things always be pure, clear, sound and intelligent?
Perhaps there is a sadness gene that sits somewhere in the brain, or in the belly; somewhere near the gladness gene, or perhaps closer to the madness gene?
Sad, glad, mad (crazy mad or angry mad?) – these feelings are so different, and so similar all at the same time. I know it isn’t genetic.
I am not crazy. I’ve been crazy. Crazy happy. Crazy angry. Crazy in love. Crazy in loss. Crazy about many things.
Sport metaphors fit sometimes – illustrate inexplicable feelings, of hope and loss, and lost hope – that come sometimes when life deals hands different than we wish for and richly deserve.
In boxing (though I’ve never boxed), there is a term getting your bell rung. I hear it in football lingo too – when someone gets hit about the head, dizzied but not unconscious, stunned but not permanently injured. Not a wake-up call, but more a reminder to get clear, recover your balance and breathe deeply before re-entering the ring or running out on the field again . . .
In each bout of my crazy-ness, like the boxing match – there is time to ring the bell, retire to the stool in the corner, for catching breath, regain equilibrium, rest and recuperate before launching into the next round, before taking up the good fight again. Experience has taught that re-entry in the ring too soon usually means another round – worse than the one before it leaving us further bruised, bloodied and hurt. Still, boxers who are not flattened keep getting back in the ring.
Heart-smart-ing education events, again, yesterday, or maybe it was another boxing lesson; one involved an interchange with someone I scarcely know, the other with someone I thought I knew very well. The first, from an idiot speaking of things she doesn’t know anything about – but in so doing, illustrated for me a feeling of revulsion for her views – reminder of why we had just one dinner date together 5 yrs ago. The second was hurt conveyed with intent to hurt (I did) from someone I thought I knew very well, someone I’ve recently tried to re-connect with to no avail. Just as well.
I look back on these two encounters as more comeuppance than I needed in one day, and at the same time a sense of relief came over me – in both cases, these were women I once saw great potential with, and now I feel a considerable sense of relief.
Crazy sad mad glad happy relief. For now, I’ll sit in the corner on my stool for a while and listen for the bell . . .
Mark Kolke
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Comments Received:
THESE MOMENTS
Thank you, Mark, for having the courage to share your inner life with the rest of us. So often, your ponderings trigger similar feelings or questions in me. “….tomorrow, maybe it won't take so long.” I liked that – good for you for giving yourself credit. I am working on that in myself – substituting that well-honed critical inner voice (“what’s taking you so long?!” – everybody else has it (“Life”) figured out, etc. etc.) with “I am making progress,” I am getting better at spotting the problem and correcting my course, etc. Have a great day – and keep writing! XJ, Washington, DC
Love those light-bulb moments! So what did you decide to do; "choice - to return them artfully, let them blow by or to walk off the court?", CG, Oakville, ON
