MANTRA REVIEW
Thursday, June 2, 2011
today’s Musing written and published from Cranston in south- east Calgary, near the Bow River valley
Morning walk: 7C/45F, calm, mountains looking outstanding on the horizon, lagoon surface mirrored lightly clouded sky so well it looked more like sky than water; Gusta, as usual, oblivious to everything her nose can’t detect, head to the ground so close I’m surprised she doesn’t stub her nose as I would stub a toe . . .
Feeling energized – several hot pursuits (new business, short story writing, new website venture and running a little bit more each day) – but, on one front, I remain bewildered.
For most of 25 years I’ve been doing, a single.
Three brief co-habitation periods (one, a short 2nd marriage). Three totaling just 6 yrs., which leaves 19 years of single/alone time. That’s a lot.
No doubt, single prevents divorce – but I’ve never played it safe for long; I’ve felt ready, if situation/person were right, to plunge again. I’ve been standing on the cliff edge a couple of times, but haven’t taken a lasting long leap.
I’m not admitting I couldn’t do that math. But I’ve operated on the premise my single/alone status was temporary. My perspective being one of wanting to re-couple, re-pair, re-join the world of couple-dom. Friends and family will attest, I’ve worked pretty hard at that. Possibly far too hard.
Flagging (adj.), weak from exhaustion, drooping, depleted of strength or energy. On the other hand, flagging (noun) posting a flag on a ship or claiming new territory, or relating to flag-stones for wayfinding in a dense garden.
In terms of methodology, I’ve tried it all, done it all, looked everywhere – near and far, without finding what I wanted with someone who felt the same way about me. That’s sad in a way. One would think, given there are so many men and women conducting similar searches, that it might be easier. Youthful magic – and re-finding that feeling is easy; it’s the facts of reality, or is it the reality of facts?, that cloud the picture and make it look like the way – if there is a WAY – too difficult to find.
Another question – should I be searching, looking, wanting, pursuing? at all, that one I’ve avoided for most of the past 25 years.
Searching for – thing, place, goal or state of mind – an interesting commodity (love, companionship, sex, friendship, common interest/common goals) quest - illusions of finding magic from a revolving door of potential Ms. Right candidates. I, of course, see myself as Mr. Right every time . . .
I would compare it to that old Marmaduke cartooon, that Great Dane always chasing cars until one day - when he caught one. The next cartoon frame showed him bewildered, the obvious look was ‘what do I do now?’.
Friends and regular readers may groan – because they will think they’ve heard it before, (because they’ve seen/heard it so many times before), when I’ve gone off-market for a while or stopped looking.
Previous quest-road stops have been for re-fueling (a.ka. re-fooling) taking a breath or re-thinking my criteria or for short respite because some flirtatious mistake or both feet, deep end of the pool miscalculation when I thought I’d found love only to realize I had found its lustful cousin or been misled.
I have re-lived this quest for elusive something far too long without examining as closely as I might, whether I truly want that.
I believe I do, but lately I’ve been questioning it more. I’ve been in the game, on the market, in the hunt, in hot pursuit, always looking, available to an opportunity, seeking, searching – for far too long without enough examination of whether I should be searching at all. What I’ve been searching for has always been easy to describe in terms of the qualities I find attractive, desirable and compatible.
I’ve had a slight mind/shift, no thing new, but realization I like my lifestyle, living alone, doing-a-single, a lot more than I have been prepared to admit.
Debating life as I know it, wondering if I’ve got it all wrong, or if – finally – I’ve got it all right for the first time. I can’t fully describe it this morning – more of a strong gut feeling than a well articulated new mantra. Come to think of it, the old mantra wasn’t all that well articulated either.
Mark Kolke
312,160
Comments Received:
June 1 - MANY LENS DAY
It is hard to see the world through someone else's eyes, yet when we at least attempt to do so, we affirm to them that their view has just as much validity as ours. It's just a different perspective. Good one today Mark . And thank you for your beautiful comments on my blog about Terry. I appreciate you! (and loved your message about Rufus!) Hugs, LG, Calgary, AB
EXAMINED LIFE, OFF AND ON
I am sorry I missed your call. Today I leave for Edmonton and will be back sometime Friday evening. I am taking the last three stories with me to read. I'll get back to you with my humble take on them. In the meantime have a great day.....enjoy the rain.....AGAIN, PE, Calgary, AB
